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Saturday, September 17th, 2005
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10:34 pm
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"I think people don't say enough nice things to each other," Rachel said when I thanked her for telling me that, while she doesn't know me that well, I strike her as fun and considerate and yes, good enough for this house.
So I tried to say more nice things. But they didn't count, because she and Stevie and I had just smoked a bowl.
I said a lot of nice things last night. But they didn't count, because I was drunk.
In an effort to say more nice things and have them ring true, I am making an offer of sorts.
If you leave a comment here, I will say to you all the nice things I would say if we were up at 4am after drinking all night, even if they embarrass me. I shouldn't have to use alcohol as an excuse to say something that could make you feel good. Even if I swear "it's not just the booze talking," alcohol cheapens it. And you, yeah, that's right, YOU, don't deserve that. You deserve to hear compliments from a sober person.
Hurry up, before the SS Lovefest pulls out of the harbor.
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| Monday, September 12th, 2005
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1:27 pm
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And now Karkaroff raised his wand. He paused for a moment, and then a number shot out of his wand too-- four.
"What?" Ron bellowed furiously. "You lousy, biased scumbag, you gave Krum ten!"
But Harry didn't care, he wouldn't have cared if Karkaroff had given him zero; Ron's indignation on his behalf was worth about a hundred points to him.
Thanks for being you guys, you guys.
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| Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
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11:23 pm
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Ok, that's it, I'm calling in my favor.
I need a new job. It can suck, but I need a job that I can schedule around my life. I am way too young to schedule my life around my job.
If you know someone (in Amherst, Hadley, or Northampton) who's hiring, please leave a comment.
If you can put in a good word for me somewhere, and you know I'd do the same for you (and if you're reading this, I'd do the same for you) please do.
If you want to give me money to help you move stuff, or write a song about your grandpa and perform it at his surprise birthday party, or walk your dog, please let me know that too.
If you know of a place online that gives money to people who write down anecdotes and spew opinions, leave a link.
Thanks in advance. I owe you.
current mood:  got the new job-needin' bluues
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| Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
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3:34 pm - I never do these.
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| Saturday, August 27th, 2005
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12:25 am
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Okay, enough, here's a post about me being the most immature person on the planet.
I was sitting on the toilet at work-- not peeing or anything, just taking a well-deserved break. In the handicapped stall were a little girl and her mother. If you were standing outside the stalls, this is what you would have heard:
Mother: Lanie, how are you doing?
Lanie: I just need you to wipe my bottom.
Mother: Okay.
Lanie: Because I already wiped my vagina.
Me: HA!
You then would have heard the sound of me clapping my hand over my mouth, then a very long snort, then the sound of me sitting in mortified silence until Lanie and her mother had left.
Twenty years old, and my sense of humor is less developed than a toddler's.
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| Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
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10:50 pm
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Before I get so drunk that I can't type, I want to ask a serious question, inspired by tonight's rerun of Lost:
If you died and could come back as an animal, as what would you come back, and who would you "haunt," and how would you let them know it was you?
Everyone answer this. I'm curious.
PS. Hilary DUff's "Most Wanted" is the perfect running CD of all time.
current mood: tipsy
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| Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
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1:45 am
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Mike and I are working on a top-secret project that will blow you all away. All I will say is that it involves unusual outfits and that while we were wearing them, the ridiculousness of what we were doing hit us at exactly the same time. Both slightly embarrassed, we turned away from each other without speaking and left to change.
( This is the *less* bizarre outfit that Mike changed into. )
Dear Lord, I love my camera.
current mood:  crazy
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| Monday, August 15th, 2005
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1:05 pm
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Madison Charbonneau is the Archduke of Iconland. <333333
On another note, ever since I saw Me and You and Everyone We Know, I've been waaaaaaaaay too chatty with strangers and it's going to get me shot and stuffed in a trunk in Alabam'. But it's hard to maintain an air of cool detachment when people buy you cigarettes.
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| Sunday, August 14th, 2005
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11:30 pm
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Ever get so sick of your job that you successfully pretended to pass out at your register, felt guilty but not that guilty while your higher-ups brought you water and Smarties, then gone home and eaten Wings in your pajamas while watching the Blue Collar Comedy Tour (shut up, snobs, Ron White is God) and then played dress-up and took pictures with your brand new tax-free Olympus digital camera?
( Yeah, me neither... )
I have never sold as much Silly Putty, nor as much Rogaine, as I sold yesterday and today. (For those of you not in Massachusetts or other participating states, this was Tax-Free Weekend and neither thunder nor lightning nor Severe Weather Alerts could keep the eager shoppers of Western Mass from saving 5% on non-clothing and -food items.)
Who thinks to themselves, "Well, geez, I'd like to skew some photographs in humorous ways, then regrow some hair, but con sarn it, I'm not paying $.05 and $.45 respectively, if I can just wait until August!"?
Morons, that's who. Penny-pinching, photo-manipulating, balding morons.
current mood:  accomplished
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12:23 am
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Yesterday I rang out a middle-aged woman whose 16-year-old daughter had apparently been dragged along to Target. She (the daughter) wore sunglasses to protect herself against harmful Target UV rays, and had candy apple-red hair that fell in pseudo-dreads over a wicked badass Misfits t-shirt, so I knew she meant business.
I assumed I was hallucinating when I heard the woman say, "Laser, can you bring the cart up here so I can start loading it?"
Isn't that funny, I thought. I heard her call her daughter Laser. Oh man, what if that's really the girl's name? This lady doesn't look like a stupid burnout. So I chalked it up to a hangover so severe I couldn't believe I was standing, and continued scanning bath products and school supplies.
The woman's toddler son started running away from the lane, and she called after him, "Jonathan! Jonathan, come back here!"
See, I reasoned, tsk-ing a little at my folly, her son's name is Jonathan. No one has one kid named Jonathan and one named--
"Rebecca, will you pl--" She stopped and heaved a sigh at her deliberately oblivious daughter. "Laser, will you please go get Jonathan?"
When I was four, I would only respond to "Thumbelina" and I tried to sleep in a walnut shell every night. It's kind of sad that I made a cooler four-year-old than Rebecca makes a sixteen-year-old.
Tonight a woman told me, "You beautiful! You eyes so beautiful! You so beautiful!" It is the best compliment I've gotten from a sober person in months. Admittedly, I had just changed the price of her purchases to fit the amount of cash she had on her, but I choose to ignore that part. Take that, mirror! A woman who knows ten words of English used 40% of them to praise my appearance!
current mood:  smug
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| Saturday, August 6th, 2005
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11:40 pm
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Another list, because that's all I do well.
1. Tonight I am trying my hand at getting drunk slowly. Which means sipping vodka & coke over an hour or so, instead of doing five shots in ten minutes. I am sick of waking up with a bowl of salsa next to my bed and six IM boxes full of drunken love proclamations that I don't remember making.
2. See Me and You and Everyone We Know if there is any possible way for you to do so. I am a fundamentally different person for having seen this movie. I haven't said that about any movie since Getting Even With Dad. I made a joke, but I don't want to detract from the seriousness of my insistence that you see MaYaEWK. Really, it's wonderful.
3. I bought a bus ticket to Buffalo and in less than a month's time I will be hanging out with my second-oldest friend in the world, eating Buffalo food and smoking Amherst pot and having good times all around. I can't even express how excited I am.
4. I saw The Princess Bride at the Friday Night Rewind last night. Imagine, for a moment, what kind of people this sort of event attracts. If you imagined a less attractive Renaissance Fair-type crowd, all shouting, "Inconceivable!" then you are on the right track. I haven't so thoroughly enjoyed myself in ages.
5. Ok, I remember one time I did five shots of tequila and only felt a little bit warm. Right now, I've got two heavily-diluted vodkas running through me and I'm almost falling out of my seat. This is ridiculous. When did I become a total lightweight?
6. Oh yeah.
7. I've recently become a pop music junkie. I cannot get enough Kelly Clarkson, and Mike told me when he got home this afternoon that I am his new pop confidant. I think this is more badass of me than when I renounced all things pop, even though I totally dug 'N Sync and their ilk.
8. I have a pair of doll sunglasses and now I am pretending to be a giant. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I FIND YOUR ARGUMENT INTERESTING, PROFESSOR, BUT I'D BE A FOOL TO BE PERSUADED BY IT. (I said that with the stem in my mouth.)
8a. I do the same thing when I find empty nip bottles on the sidewalk.
9. Damn it, sometimes I am proud of myself and there's nothing wrong with that.
10. One of the coolest things I ever learned from Steve was how if you swipe your forehead with your index finger and then put it in the head of a soda, the head will dissolve almost immediately.
11. I am officially too drunk to continue posting. After TWO SHOTS' WORTH OF VODKA.
12. Expect items 13-20 after Drinks 3-6.
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| Thursday, August 4th, 2005
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10:00 pm
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| Tuesday, July 26th, 2005
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10:01 pm
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I hit "update" and i do not know why.
my point is maybe i will stop drinking.
because seriously, i am an obnoxious freaking drunk.
but if not, just think of the fun i'll have!
shit son.
i am D R U N K.
i listen to carly simon a lot whne i am drunk,
and, falming lips.
and, i smoke whatever is in front of me.
and i do mean WHATEVER. lIKE, A NAPKIN? cOOL.
THIS CAPS LOCK IS COOL WITH ME. ENJOY THIS IF YOU SEE IT, BECAUSE I WILL DELETE IT SOON.
Edit: I am not deleting this. I need to remember why I shouldn't drink. I mean, I really did smoke a napkin.
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| Friday, July 22nd, 2005
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9:31 pm
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An excerpt from an email from my mum:
I took Grandpa to the doctor's today because he has H-E-M-O-R-O-I-D-S (whisper the word, don't say it out loud). So now he has an embarrassing prescription and two embarrassing over-the-counter treatments.
Someday when I am not drunk on the internet I will make a post about what a phenomenal woman my mum is, and how lucky I am to have her, and how much I appreciate her continued support through all my fucking up, and how much I love her. But for now, I'll just let Grandpa's hemorrhoids do the posting.
Dave Barry: "Grandpa's Hemorrhoids" would be a great name for a rock band!
Everyone under 60: HUSH, FOOL, YOU FAIL TO AMUSE ME.
Also, the cat is stuck in my "closet" (several large sheets of muslin draped from the ceiling in a box formation) and although we all know just how fond I am of the cat, it's about the cutest thing I've ever seen.
current mood:  drunk
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| Thursday, June 30th, 2005
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9:39 pm
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I'm done trying to write a real entry. Here is a list.
1. I pressured a crazy woman at work to apply for a credit card even though I knew she would be declined and I don't feel good about being employed anymore.
2. As soon as summer hits, I become incredibly gay. I don't know if it's something in the air, or the fact that it's hot so girls are wearing cute and revealing clothes, but I think I have detached retinas from trying to stare peripherally. Also, I'm attiring myself almost exclusively in wifebeaters.
3. Stella. Holy shit. That is all.
4. Can someone tell me what to download so I can view files with the .avi extension? There's not a lot of joy to be had in listening to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
5. I'm gonna throw this out there: Dave Pelzer needs to stop whining. Too soon?
6. This is kind of creepy, but I watched/played for about ten minutes this afternoon. Thanks, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2) jamayia!
7. I used to get good ideas from smoking pot. Now, it just makes me d e s p e r a t e for a fauxhawk. I think it's time I took another hiatus.
8. If you're in the area, give me a call-- 413-256-6170-- and I will show you a good time. I miss everyone!
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| Friday, June 17th, 2005
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12:11 am - i love mos_stef
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MEME: Reply to this post, and I'll tell you one reason why I like/love/adore you. Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love.
(Yes, I should post something besides memes. I will. Soon. But right now I am drunk and stoned and eating condensed soup from the can and listening to Saves the Day and therefore in no fit state to share anecdotes or nudie pictures. Oh, are you not on that filter? Sorry to bring it up.)
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| Monday, June 6th, 2005
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9:04 pm - from Liz, Zach, and probably more by the time I hit "update"
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01. Reply with your name and your breakfast food of preference and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
07. Put this in your journal.
And here's the news from The Soundproof Room, 17 Curtis Place:
That's right! I'm all moved in and have my own room. It is terrific.
For anyone I haven't yet told, I've dropped out of school (with possible intent to return) and am working to save money to move to Chicago in September 2006. It was my intention to work full-time, but Target seems to have other intentions.
Target is, by turns, "not that bad" and "on par with Abu Ghraib." But we sell AMERICAN FLAG CHEF HATS FOR ONE DOLLAR. Today, if I'd gotten out of work sooner, I would have bought some. I can't begin to express my dismay.
I have a new therapist. Each week, she asks me therapisty questions and forms a breakthrough conclusion, and then I give her money. By some lucky coincidence, this process takes exactly an hour. (I don't really see the point in spending an hour crying about being a shitty person to be told, "It sounds like you have some issues with guilt and shame," but whatever keeps the sympathy rolling.)
My new Can't Stay Upset song is "Get Up Offa That Thing" by James Brown. If you can listen to it and stay upset... well, you probably have actual problems.
I am so thirsty.
Do the meme, bitches.
current mood:  thirsty
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| Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
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11:02 pm
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Cherokee Clothing Company has a line of tank tops and fitted tees that are very big sellers at Target. A particularly popular tank top comes in a shade called Grassy Knoll.
I'm not trying to be funny. Is there anyone who hears the words "grassy knoll" and doesn't think of the Kennedy assassination? There are a hundred different terms for that specific shade of green; why choose that one?
Still, it is a big seller, so it can't really be rubbing many people the wrong way. And with that in mind, I would like to market my own pallette of colors. Designers, artists, hairdressers, take note: these are going to be HUGE.
Book Depository Brick
Jack Ruby
Yoko Ono's Dress
James Earl Gray
Ford Theatre Balcony (seasonal)
James Garfield's Mutton Chops
Every Man A King
Crispus Attucks' Blood
I discovered today at work that I don't have to worry about how I'll react if I don't succeed in comedy, because I find myself too damn hilarious to worry about anyone else's opinion.
Lady returning foam ball/bat set: I went to four different stores and couldn't find a wiffle ball set.
Me: It's a sign of the times. Wiffle Ball Fever is finally dying down.
Lady: [Blank stare]
Me: Oh man... wiffle ball fever...
One Hour Later...
Me: Wiffle ball fever! I can't believe I said that! Hahahahahaha! Wiffle ball fever. Priceless.
current mood:  drained
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| Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
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4:14 pm
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1. Some asshole stole my bike, which wouldn't be as big a deal if it didn't belong to Mark Teffer (he's using mine this summer while he sells knives.) If you see someone on an old-fashioned one-speed blue girl's bike, please punch them and send me an email to let me know where I can get it. In the meantime, does anyone have an extra?
1a. My current playlist is nearly devoid of furious screaming shit-breaking songs. Please leave a comment with some of yours.
2. If you are making Friends Only entries, I can't read them until next week, so don't think I'm ignoring you.
3. ONE WEEK until our lease starts at the purple-door-fireplace-barbecue-pit-washer/dryer-soundproof-room-backyard-woods-toolshed-big-windows-equipped house down the street.
4. Mark just came over. He's being a real peach about his bike having been stolen. I gotta go. Leave me comments and let me know how you're doing!
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| Thursday, May 19th, 2005
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11:58 am
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